Blah blah blah - we have them all getting up. Tim’s hair. You get the idea. They head to some Aquarium for this task. Behind Lord Sugar a shark tank. Like a Bond Villain. Not really. Cue voice-over ‘silent witnesses to Lord Sugar’s final briefing’. The script writer I hope has now been sacked. I reckon the sharks didn’t even notice humans about. I propose a revised line…’the sharks blankly stared on, oblivious to Lord Sugar’s final briefing’.
“Hello…oh this is the BBC? Yes I will take the job”.
I realise now why Lord Sugar hadn’t messed about with the teams for a few weeks. He was waiting to unleash his ‘magnum opus’. The teams are Zoe and Kirsty against Tim and Arjun. Hold the phone. Enter all the old contestants! Wow! Like a school reunion - no one looked particularly happy. To secure the fact that they all felt insecure he let the team leaders pick from the old contestants who they want to help them. It’s like school football selection all over again. ‘Please don’t let me be last please don’t let me be last please don’t let me be last’. You could almost hear it in the air. They need not worry. Jordan was in the group and he was last before he even woke up that morning. In fact, Jordan was born last…of triplets…I’m guessing…I’m lying.
Lord Sugar also impressed me by relating the task to the place for a change. Aquariums are full of water right? Well they have to sell bottled water! Not salty water though. He missed a trick. Cue another voice over ‘water - hydrogen and oxygen, but bottled and branded, it’s liquid gold’. There are no words to describe my disappointment in these writers.
“What’s the usual reason why you buy a bottle of water?”. Good question. Why on earth do we drink water? We should stop that…there seems to be no obvious use. The teams set about finding a market to sell to. Arjun and Tim go for normal people - people who drink water. Kirsty and Zoe, in all their wisdom, go for the teen market. Now I’m, thinking, unless the water is laced with vodka, most teens aren’t going to be interested.
Next stop, obviously a catchy name. Rhyss and Arjun showed their usual lack of creativity with this task. They nearly threw Emma out of the car for suggesting a name doesn’t have to explain the product. Her point was a good one though. A company selling water doesn’t have to be called Splash or Hydr8 or Thirst. Rhyss’ answer? “[what about] the Ford Ka”? Rawr. Tim whipped out a bit of genius. He suggested calling the brand ‘A Bottle Of Water’. Now I’m no branding expert but I think that is an amazing idea. Simple, quirky, and amusing. Best thing anyone has done on the Junior Apprentice. Seriously. Zoe and Kirsty decided on the name ‘Drip Drop’. Seriously? I bet Rhyss wished he could change teams!
Both teams went on to make TV adverts. Suddenly all these junior people were singing. It made me feel queasy. They were coming up with jingles for these adverts. Tim and co. sang out of tune about…well, I dunno what actually. Zoe went the bad boy route. Earlier she said “wha’ g’wan”. Now she was singing “Drip Drop, drippity drop” in some bizarre RnB style. Hippity hop. Their adverts weren’t much better. One consisted of a girl stealing “Drip Drop” from some thirsty dudes. The other had a stacked man running around with no shirt on. Wha? Nevermind.
With a product, a name, and an advert, they were ready to pitch to industry experts. A quick point. What will happen in the real world when these kids try sell things and they don’t have Lord Sugar to pull some contacts? I guess they will be like everybody else…unemployed. Anyway, they had sort of pop-up shops to present within. They designed them as best they could and on the night they both looked pretty good. Arjun showed his team spirit by saying “it’s about me…getting that pitch right. Everything else can go to hell if I’m honest”. Admirable. With the pitches however, well, both teams pretty much aced them. Nothing really to make fun of at this point. Depressing. The people in the crowd seemed particularly impressed with Tim and Arjun. Zoe and Kirsty left them slightly baffled with their choice of market. So they finished their final task. I’m not even sure how they were going to be judged. No sales were to happen.
LESSON NO.10!
Think carefully about who you are going to sell to. Do they need your product?
In the board room one last time. I feel like I’m at my mother’s funeral. Sad times. I’m going to cut to the chase. Zoe and Kirsty made an error. The teen market isn’t that strong for selling water. There is a reason there isn’t already water aimed at teens. They.don’t.care. So they lost this task. They weren’t fired. They were just told to leave. Zoe said on the way out “well done boys, you really deserve it”. Liar. You hate them Zoe. There was a shot of Kirsty being driven away. There was something about the music and her tear-reddened eyes that made it terrible to watch. Poor Kirsty. I had been so rude about her! Now I feel haunted by my past. She is only a person after all.
Indeed.
And then there were two. Arjun and Tim. Lord Sugar pondered whether Arjun was just a ‘boff’. I think he meant ‘boffin’. Moving on. Tim? Mr. Creativity. In his own words a person with “massive natural ability”. Who will it be?
Tim?
Arjun?
Tim?
Arjun?
ARJUN SCORES! Was that like Championship Manager for anyone else? Or just me? He is the Junior Apprentice. The big man. He’s got it in the bag! Nice work. His response was awesome…”wicked…I can’t thank you more”. Well he could have started by smiling. But it’s all over. Zoe didn’t win. Shocking to be honest. I think it was a stitch up. Still, I heard her talk about using Facebook so I’m going to stalk her and find out.
See you in the next world.
LT
Tags: Add new tag, alan sugar, apprentice, arjan, arjun, BBC, bright ideas, Bright Ideas Trust, business, emma, entrepreneur, junior, Junior Apprentice, lord sugar, sir sugar, The Apprentice, Tim Campbell, young, zoe, zoe plummer
